i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
