I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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