Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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