i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
