This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
