I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
