Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The struggles of a small town man whore
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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