I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
