I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
