There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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