Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
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