He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
