It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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