i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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