I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
