just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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