i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
