sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
