i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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