so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
