If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
