I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
