I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
