Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
