I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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