Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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