He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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