it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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