My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
