Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
