tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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