i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
