Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
