You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
In America we eat man semen.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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