Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Never joke about your clitoris.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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