my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hippo gnu deer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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