Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
