K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
