right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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