On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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