For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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