I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
