Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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