Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
