I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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