you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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