I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
