I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
