I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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