im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
