So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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